“So, lots of good friends and nights spent with new companions, but never those to stay, or stay with?” I offer.
“Sorta, but that’s a pretty garbage framing. Plenty would’ve stayed, but only a few that would’ve went with me. Even then, only for me and not for the journey itself, which isn’t what I want, ya know? And some I would’ve thought to stay with, to be more fair to them.”
She pauses and frowns, “Do you think no one would want to stay?”
“That’s not what I meant, and I’m sorry for any implication,” I quickly reassure her. “Quite the opposite, I mean: I was surprised that you had no such connections when we met.”
“I’ll forgive it, then; you’re new to this,” her smile returning. “-and it does seem you’re used to people staying close to each other. Not many who travel in your circle, it seems?”
“Not many do, aye. At least in Dorin, that is; I know Bird-Beasts keep homes for the winter but most of their people travel extensively during the year otherwise. Darklings have their pilgrimages as coming-of-age and whatever official capacities. So it’s cultural, in part.”
“People you know, then?”
“Most of them are in the Academy. Most people in the Academy either stay there or leave as soon as they finish.”
“That makes sense. My people were insular; that’s why I turned my back on them, in fact.”
“Your people?”
“I don’t really like talking about it, even before it being literally a world away.”
“That’s kinda the opposite of me, actually. My parents left their cluster when they left the city. I’ve had it on my mind, lately.”
“Your parents have been on your mind? I’d want to hear about that, if you want to share. Neither of you have said anything about them, save that they aren’t around anymore.”
“I would, but I’m getting away from the first conversation.”
“Where you were talking about my not having much of a community yet?”
I hang my head. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s ok. You’re right; I don’t have many connections here, yet. So I haven’t built much of a life around them or with them. So I’m probably somewhat flighty because of that, which becomes cyclical. Hard to find people to build a group with, like that.”
“Do you mind that I'd like to?” I say, finally bringing my worries to bear.
She perks up. “I would love you to. I had worried I had scared you away, or you were embarrassed about Ves. ”
“This was my first where I felt emotionally invested. Where it felt, I don’t know, real? I didn't really know how to take it, nor if you wanted anything of the sort. You'd said you were used to bedding... er... I, I don't mean to imply...” I stutter.
“I'd no idea I was… regardless, I enjoy those I'm with, for however long I'm with them. If it doesn't offend you, why would I be offended?” she says, smiling warmly.
I nod, “As you say, it’s not like something reasonable people would judge for... so what now?”
“I would think that’s my question,” she says, tearing into a chunk of meat, visibly relaxing. “I have no interest in kids; not that I know if that’d work anyway.”
“If that’d work?” I question.
“If you could impregnate me, I mean. Whef, I’d not considered it. Not that it would work with my last partner either, I suppose.”
“I know the Church of the Void has a ritual for that. Demonic magic plays by different rules, so I’m guessing they’ve a role in it.”
“Are you wanting children?” she asks.
“I’m an orphan, so I wanna give back if I can. I’d thought about being part of the raising cohort at the Academy, actually. But no, I’ve no personal want for kids nor for parenting more broadly. I think Cae does, at some point, so I’ve given at least some consideration to being around them.”
“Oh? Raising cohort?”
“The Academy teaches basic casting and ethics freely. There’s some divide over it, because they also use it to look for talented kids to recruit and train more directly, but as someone who’s a beneficiary of that system…”
“And this cohort is the one who does this training?”
“Organizes it, mostly. There are those who do their public service years as teachers in smaller communities, but figuring out what to include and how best to arrange it are a big part of it. I figure- we’re drifting topics again,” I frown. “Sorry, I just-”
“Why apologize? I like talking to you. I like hearing you ramble. It’s like reading your brain in action, and nudging it in new fun directions.”
“Because I want to talk about this,” I say, resolve in my voice.
“We are! It’s a big conversation. There’s a lot of ways to tackle it, and it doesn’t all need to be now.”
“But-”
“But… I do understand. I do, too. I want to take the pressure of it off of you, and figure out where we fit best. What we want to obligate ourselves to, and what we don’t.”
“I'm not sure. This is new to me, and... well, I don't really know what I'm doing, to be honest. Just that I care about you.”
“And I you... though I'd hope that was obvious,” She says as my heart sings, “So we'll take it as it comes? Is there anything you want me to change, in this? Anything you know you need for this to work?”
“To change?” I ask, the question sounding absurd to me.
“Well, you said you were feeling insecure, and implied it was due to your inexperience with sex and relationships?”
“I am, so I would like support in that, yeah. I… It’s just… Would you care for me any less if you found someone better?”
“In bed, you mean?”
“I can’t imagine that I’m in any way the first name on your list,” I say, laughing. “No, I meant someone who… I guess fits you better?”
“What do you think that looks like?”
“Someone who can sing with you, or has your wanderlust, maybe?”
“Are you worried I’ll find someone shorter than you?”
“I, you… what?” I say, my face showing my obvious confusion.
“You are describing me, aren’t you?”
“Ah,” I say.
She catches my hand in hers, and lays it on her chest. I feel her heightened heartbeat beneath my fingertips. She catches my chin and my gaze. Such pretty eyes…
“I want you. I’m not looking for someone to fit a mold, or a use. People don’t work that way. They aren’t mechanical; they don’t fit into the gears so I can continue to turn.”
I sit with her, there, in the still world turning around us, turning her words over. Given how deep they cut, twisting in the wound now, I wince, but she holds my hand still.
“I’m here. It’s ok,” she says, her voice warm and soft.
It’s ok. Is it?
“Did you mean it when you said you like hearing me ramble?”
“Every word,” the force of each syllable echoing in my heart and the small room.
“I’ve only had a couple partners. I’ve had a few sexual encounters—festival romps, graduation—I had an amazing time the night I was accepted to Academy.”
“Mmm, that sounds like a story worth hearing,” she purrs. I bite my lip and take a deep breath.
“What I mean is that I’ve never felt, like… a want to be with someone? I don’t know how to word this, because it’s not like I don’t want people, partners, sex. This seems stupid-”
“Not to me.”
Not to her. Maybe to me, but not to her.
“So, the closest thing I had to a partner was Elaria. We never really held each other as connections, despite mutual interest. She pursued me, and I love her and her company, even still. I saw her the day before I left Dorin, and I’d have loved to go lounge in her lap and listen to her talk, even. She’s a healing lecturer and ethicist, and an amazing cook besides. I wonder if I’ll have the chance to introduce you; I think you’d like her.”
“She sounds wonderful. So how’d she hurt you?”
“She didn’t. I hurt her.”
Fnipper waits for me patiently a soft smile encouraging me to continue.
“I’ve turned it over a thousand times, and I never liked any of the answers I found. The one that felt the most right is that I just wasn’t attracted to her?”
“Like, physically?”
“Oh no, no that. She’s amazingly attractive; busty and cuddly, with a cute face and wicked smile. And she’s a passionate lover, too, I just-”
“Definitely want to meet her, now,” she grins mischievously, sending a blush to my cheeks. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.”
“She wanted me so much. And I just, didn’t want her all the time? Like, our final encounter, I was studying and she burst into my room. Her skirt pulled one of my notebooks off my desk in her rush. ‘Bed me, my love; I couldn’t focus on my studies, wanting your hands on me,’ she told me. And there I was, her blushing breasts heaving as she panted, the most wondrous smile on her face, full of passion and love…”
“It’s ok; I still want to hear, but you don’t-”
“I was upset about the notebook. I did want her, and I took her invitation. Did a good job, by all accounts, even somewhat distracted. But the notebook nagged at me, the whole time. How could I do that? How could I be focused on that? It wasn’t like it was damaged or even splayed. And when I tried to put myself in her shoes, rushing off in desire, I realized I… didn’t. I didn’t feel like that about her. Or-”
“About anybody,” she guesses correctly. “And you have the hesitation because you also don’t feel that about me?”
“I…”
“Go on, I shouldn’t have interjected. Tell your story: it’s sweeter on your lips than on mine.”
“It’s plenty bitter, methinks, but as you’ve asked. Yes, I do hesitate. I want you more than anyone I’ve encountered. I don’t know if I can feel what she felt that day, but I understood it in the rush I felt running after you on the beach.”
“So you do feel that way?”
“See, that’s the part where I’m confused.”
“And scared?”
“And scared. Why didn’t I feel that for her? Not to compare, but I feel extremely strongly for her still. She’s no less amorous than you, and no less entertaining, so what is it? Why did I not seek her, even as she sought me? Why did it take so long to feel this way about you? Will I keep feeling this way, or is something different this week?”
“Silly boy,” she stands and kisses me, pushing me back onto the pallet and straddling my hips. “That’s a fine worry to have, but senseless to have as a hesitation.”
“I’m not wanting sex, at the moment,” I say, looking up at her. “I want to talk through this?”
“I’m not offering, per se, I just wanted to be closer to you, and I find this comfy. I was hoping to be reassuring. Would you like me to dismount?”
She starts to move off and I lay my hands gently on her thighs.
“No, I just wanted to be clear about where I was. It’s very reassuring, actually. Holding your gaze is intense, and my worries boil up as guilt.”
“Lay back and relax,” she says. I drop my head and she lays hers on my chest, letting out a sigh of contentedness.
“You say it’s a fine worry to have?” I prompt.
“It is. Worrying about how feelings might change is healthy enough. Feelings do change. Certainly on a larger scale. Ignoring that means you’ll not have the grace when things do change.”
“That’s a pretty wizened view,” I note. “It doesn’t much help me with the immediacy here.”
“Oh, that,” she says. “You just don’t work like other people. Passion and love and sex and attraction and whatnot. That’s nothing to worry about. Certainly nothing I’m worried about.”
I sit up and she rolls off to the side, gracefully propping herself up on an elbow.
“What do you mean, I don’t work like other people and you’re not worried?”
“Some people don’t want sex at all, right? Like, nothing does it for them, but they don’t much care?”
“I mean, yeah, of course.”
“Some people like sex, but don’t want relationships. Some people dive into sex and start caring about people and wind up building relationships. Some people find relationships and wind up wanting sex because it feels like a deepening of that.”
“But I like sex!”
“Nothing is absolute, my love. You feel what you feel. You wanted to be with me before you felt this passionate sexual desire, yeah?”
I nod without hesitation.
“Then maybe it’s safety that lets you feel that. Or maybe you wanted to be closer to me. Maybe I made you feel wanted. Maybe you were driven by envy or jealousy! But what you felt, you felt, and you felt amazing, if you ask me,” she pauses to watch me blush. “Sure, if the causes hurt or need looking after we can, but I’m ok with where you are, as long as you can let yourself be ok with it too.”
Am I?
“Are you?”
“Will you help me?”
“Yes. With whatever comes, if you’ll let me.”
“Did you feel this passion for me to start?”
“I did. But I often do. Curiosity about curious people. Fascination with the variety around me. Not just sexually, though it’s nice, but people show you who they are when they have those worries and expectations stripped away. It’s easier to be naked when you’re already naked, ya know?”
“Does that not bother you?”
“Not at all. My partner prior to you never wanted me like that. He never melted into bliss like we do when we are together. He also never sought to, as you have since the beach. But we were together for years all the same.”
“Years?”
“Decades, actually. Something like sixty years, though dimensional travel does weird things to time perception, so I couldn’t be so sure. There’s no night where he’s from. Why, were you worried I couldn’t commit?”
“I… no, actually. That hadn’t crossed my mind. I guess I just thought I wasn’t worried I was good enough to be worth committing to. That you’d find someone better for your trek.”
She smirks. “If I'd found someone ‘better’, don't you think I'd have been with them already? So many see me as someone to be tamed. Your phrasing, on the other hand, betrays that you want me to stay who I am, and are merely worried about being hurt in the process, or maybe more accurately that you’ll her me. I'll be me, you be you, and we'll stay together so long as it interests us. We'll take it as they come... so long as you promise to be honest about your side of things, I'll do the same.”
I nod, relieved and grinning happily, finally digging into the food on my lap.
“And my sister?” I ask, after a few bites, the logistics beginning to work themselves out in my mind.
“Not my type; she’s much too-”
“That’s not what I meant,” I roll my eyes.
“Well, if I’m reassuring you, you could see how I’d-”
“Nah, I know she’s not your type. She has neat abilities, but she doesn’t even have the experiences that I do through books.”
“So you do understand!”
“I meant how are we to handle telling her, and if we should try to keep things to ourselves or be more open with her and Bruuks since we’re traveling together?”
“Until she bothers to talk about her and Bruuks spending their evenings intimately, I don't feel that keeping a similar privacy of our own is unfair... so long as it doesn't cause trouble, I figure we'll keep to ourselves, and everyone'll be happier, thus. I’m not opposed to telling, but it’s obvious they’d prefer to be private, and I don’t-”
“Wait, her and Bruuks?”
“Yeah. You never realized?”
“No! I mean, I guess I... yeah, that makes plenty of sense. Just blind to it, I guess.”
I just sat and let it sink in, thinking back over all the times I, without knowing it, would've been quite disruptive to them.
“That face isn’t terribly becoming, if it helps to know,” she giggles.
“The others are nearly done, if my ears tell true,” she says. “Have we covered enough you feel secure in… us?”
“Us,” I confirm, smiling.
“Then we’ll figure out the rest along the way,” she nods.
“You have such an easy way of looking at the world...” I tell her.
“I'm quite glad you think so,” she says, and stands, dropping her tray and scraps into the smoldering leftovers of the cooking fire. The fire crawls along them, her face souring. “I prefer that to being called naive…”
“I'd never-”
“I know,” she says with a wink, her smile returning before descending the stairs back toward the rest of the group.